I'd like a do-over, please

Some days are memorable for the amount of sheer irritation they generate.

Today was one such day.

I have been exhausted lately (cause TBD), and my sweet boy decided 5:21am was a FANTASTIC time to begin the day. I'm sorry Big J, 6 hours of sleep simply isn't enough time for mommy to consider herself a functional human being.

Thankfully I was able to cuddle him back into his bed an hour later, and returned to my own comfortable sheets and fitful dreams. Nothing like visions of Amazonian ponds filled with stinging, slithering, biting, be-fanged creatures to create an unrestful environment. I crawled out of bed more exhausted than when I had returned to it.

I felt behind all day - missing phone calls, wrestling with a dying computer, sending incomplete emails, and preparing less than nutritionally balanced meals for my young ones. Ah well, one meal of hot dog, apple, and cheese won't kill them, will it?

I also spent time being frustrated with healthcare. From a doctor's office who promised to make a referral 5 days ago - and still hasn't done it, to folks who won't return phone calls after repeated messages, and lab results that STILL aren't in..... What happened to common courtesy? I say please and thank you, address you with a pleasant tone, and leave all the information you need. Is it really so hard to do what you say you're going to do? To take 3 minutes and call me back? Is it necessary to snap at me when I'm following up because I gave you the benefit of the doubt and called again only after giving you 4 additional days to phone in my referral and you STILL didn't do it? No, no, I don't think so.

The cherry on the cake of my day is that boss #7 is leaving. While I suppose this offers a marginal amount of additional job security for me, I am genuinely sad to see him go after such a short amount of time.

I'm going to go pull the covers over my head for a while. Can someone please pass the Ben & Jerry's?

The Inner Voice

Is your inner voice more cheerleader or critic?


Mine is critic.

Critic to the point that I think it is overtly cruel. Sometimes it says things to me that if I repeated them aloud to another person, would probably get me pushed, slapped, or at a bare minimum, faced with gushing tears.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why, no matter how competent, capable, and mature we grow to be, do we continue to carry around those same fears & insecurities that felt crippling in junior high?

How do we change that inner monologue to reflect that which we've allowed ourselves to be blinded to?

Think you're too tall?

{sigh} I would love to have your long legs and lean physique.

Too fat?

There is someone out there who wishes they could be as skinny as you.

Too much junk in the trunk?

Bet your husband loves it - and tells you so.

Scared to quit your job and pursue your dream career because you are sure to fail?


All or nothing is not the only option. Start doing your research about your field of choice. Take a workshop, a class, strike up a conversation with someone who does what you'd like to do.


This all seems like a simple matter of perspective - and maybe it is. The inner voice does serve as rational thinker, but so very often veers into naysayer and doomsdayer. I often think I'm going to outgrow this harshest of critics, but if it hasn't happened yet, it's not looking like it ever will.

I found a little snippet online about the inner voice, and a theory on how to alter it:

"...the parts of our brain that learn from experience are far more capable than the parts that learn from talking through it. We think we need to tell ourselves things like, "keep your weight over your front, don't press so hard on the violin bow..." when we're trying to learn something new or improve our performance, when that's exactly the thing that inhibits learning and improvement.

We did learn to walk, after all. And we did it with virtually no explicit "talking" instruction. Nobody compared our first steps to the steps of an expert (i.e. a parent) and "told" us how to adjust. Nobody outside or inside our head was evaluating, judging, or correcting. Think about times when people are telling you what to do when you're trying to concentrate and you finally yell at them to stop. All we need to do is take that attitude we have to people outside our head and apply it to the chattering inside our head.....the answer is focus of attention. In tennis, for example, he has people learn to focus on the ball--the seams turning, the way it bounces, and the moment at which someone hits it. Bounce-hit. Bounce-hit. Nothing about feet, arms, rackets, weight shifts. Nothing talking to--or about--you."

Try it. I'm going to.