Sunday, May 27, 2007

Sick Sick Sick

Matt is sick today, so it's affecting all of us. He must be feeling better, because he was getting a little chatty. But now dinner may not be staying down, so he's back to laying on the couch and moaning ever so slightly every few minutes.

I've gotten nothing done today. Church is such a time sucker. I know I have a bad attitude about it, but I can't help it. By the time we get home again, it's 2 pm, and I have zero motivation to get anything done. I never felt welcomed here, and the one person who was cool to me moved out of the Ward. We've never had consistent Home Teachers or Visiting Teachers..... and I LOVE that people still ask me if I'm new. NO - I'M NOT NEW - apparently I am just invisible. Thanks for asking, and thanks for making me feel like an idiot for showing up and even trying to fit in a little bit.

Maybe I need to accept that I'll always be an outsider. As a convert I still miss some of the little "givens" that every seems to know. I'm sure that will get better with time, but for now, I just feel a little embittered. Here more than anywhere else (any other Ward we've been in), it seems that I am one of the only women who work. I don't have the opportunity to stay home with my kids right now, so I can't do any of the junk that's scheduled during the week. Add my hour-long commute to that, and it's tough for me to even be on time for the stuff scheduled after working hours. Being in Primary doesn't help either. I HATE that I have to find a sub for the times when I won't be there. It's horrible trying to call around and explain who I am and why I need a sub. Everyone either has a calling, or they have young kids & can't/ won't. I don't blame them - I wouldn't want to sub either. But cut me a break. I think I may just resign quietly. I'm about done with the whole rigmarole of church. If Peaches didn't like Nursery so much, I'd take a nice long break from it entirely.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

A dreary Saturday

Weather was dreary and so is my mood. I suppose we got a lot done - Shrek III, Daddy made pancakes for breakfast, sanded & stained the boards for the beam in the living room (a project that's been pending for 2 years), cooked dinner, rented movies.... but I'm tired. Is it normal to be tired all the time? I feel like I am. It's not much better when I sleep well and exercise - I'm still always tired. I'm so glad Monday is a holiday, too. I need an extra day, especially with an early flight on Wednesday morning.

Blah.

Friday, May 25, 2007

I am falling apart

Health update - apparently my doctor's office neglected to actually LOOK at my labs after removing 5 vials of blood a few weeks ago. The nurse has the gall to call me 7 days after the fact (after I had to call and bug her about the fact that I was bleeding with no signs of stopping.... but I digress) and tell me that my thyroid antibodies are a bit off - by about 270. Normal is 35, mine was 317. Yeah.
I still don't know what it all means, as I have to wait 2 weeks to see the specialist. Then more blood, and more waiting, I'm sure. In the meantime, the symptoms of hypothyroidism are a frighteningly near match to much of what I've been feeling lately - slowed metabolism, cold all the time, fatigue, depression - and my favorite - MENTAL SLUGGISHNESS. Yeah, seriously. I thought I was becoming slightly retarded, but it turns out that my body is just fighting itself, and taking all the good stuff with it.
Special little twist. This is some of the same stuff Shelly went through last September, until she had surgery to remove some of her thyroid. And now I've fired her, and I feel like this is Fate's funny little joke on me. Especially as I didn't actually do the deed, but everyone thinks I was behind it. Ha ha.

My car blew up today

OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But it did crap out on me on the way to a meeting this morning. Thank goodness Aaron was with me and could use his AAA coverage even as a passenger. We had it towed, and $500 later it should be good for another 50,000 miles! Yay? In a way it validated my suspicion that this was only a matter of time coming. She's got 219,000 miles on her. And Matt hasn't been interested in doing any maintenance work on her. Serves me right.

I was getting a little excited about buying a newer car - until I thought about the payments. Then I just felt sick. She'll last us until we can get settled somewhere this summer, and we get things figured out with work and money. I am grateful for that. Now I can go back to focusing my anxiety on whether or not I'll have a job after August.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

House for Sale

Ok, we're not there quite yet, but it's close to do or die time. I think I have been procrastinating because I love this house & I don't want to have to go through the hassle of having to sell it. Can we just pick it up and take it with us?

House for Sale in South Salem
2 Br/ 1 Ba/ 1 car garage
Corner lot
Near Elementary & SSHS
Fireplace, basement
Hardwoods, tile, carpet in bedrooms
Remodeled Bath
Ralph Lauren paint in most rooms
New light fixtures
Fully insulated
Nicely landscaped
Fridge stays
$182,000

I am also getting freaked out about work, moving, my health, and wearing a bathing suit on vacation next month. It's been a long day.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Day 31

As much fun as blogging is, sometimes it's hard to find the time. This was both the world's longest week & a quick one. TGIF for sure. I didn't sleep enough all week, so I've been grumpy, and had an awesome eye twitch. No, I'm not totally demented - the eye twitch is actually caused by a lack of sleep. Matt wanted to talk each night, and as much as I like to listen to him babble in bed, when he's awake he keeps me up. Then Peaches had to come in each night and tell me when she had to go potty. Good information, but not well received at 3am.

Needless to say, my Starbucks addiction was in full swing, and I don't know if I could have made it until noon each day without a Latte. What did we do before Starbucks sprang up on every corner? I have a feeling this is prevalent in the Northwest and big cities only. Louisiana had hardly any, and I teared up a little each time I spotted one. It was like seeing an old friend after years of not talking. If we end up in Vermont, I guess I'll have to get used to Dunkin' Donuts. Des Moines has a few Starbucks, but not the every-2-miles-spread that I am used to.

Interesting news today - not news really, not yet, but one more thing to be worried about. My thyroid antibody is through the roof. I guess I'll see a specialist next week (appointment TBD), but in the meantime, it explains a lot - the lack of menstruation, fatigue, feeling of cold, depression, volatility, weight gain, lack of libido, mental sluggishness. No wonder I've been feeling like such a b **ch this week. Of course, if that's not what it is, I'm back to feeling like I am losing my mind ever so slightly each day.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Horrible Day & A New Beginning

Yesterday was just not my day. I woke up feeling negative, and made poor choices all day. I was unmotivated at work, and slogged through my day - with twice as many surfing breaks as I usually take. Not sure what was wrong. My pants were tight - that never makes for a fantastic day. I feel like I've gained 5 pounds this week, and really haven't been eating much differently than I usually do. I blame the birth control pills. I haven't taken them in years, and now that I'm back on to force my period, I feel topsy-turvy.

I was super-emotional, too. Like I wanted to burst into tears all day. It wasn't much better by the time I got home, either. I've been looking for a new car (since my current one has oil in the sparkplugs - not a good sign of aging), and I was disappointed when the person told me they were "holding" it for someone in Seattle. I guess they didn't want to sell it all that badly. It really bummed me out. I want a Subaru Forester, but now's really not the ideal time. Until we sell the house & figure out if I'll be able to keep my job, I shouldn't be making any large purchases. I'm nervous about the Civic, though. Every weird smell or sound makes me think that an engine fire is just a few short miles away. I don't think I can handle that much anxiety when I drive 80 miles each day. I probably like the idea of a new car more than actually getting one. I've had the Civic for 9 years & am attached to her. She's been awesome - still gets 35+ MPG!

I did drag my butt to the gym at 9pm. Amazing how 45 minutes of sweat can make it all seem a little better. And when I got home, I applied for a job at UVM. We may not know if we're going there yet, but I may as well hedge my bets on moving there, and on keeping my job. Wish me luck.

Today I'm focused on finishing the bathroom. I've dragged my butt for 6 weeks, so it's about time. I'm stripping the last bits of wallpaper, then going to prime & paint the tub alcove, and caulk the tile edges. After that, I'll probably paint the ceiling tomorrow! I'm stoked to get it done. I've gotta ride the wave of motivation while I'm still feeling it.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Day 39

Today I was informed that the 'big boss' has lost her laptop, meaning that all her info is gone - including my yearly review. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter all that much - I already received my raise. Plus, she worked with with me for a grand total of about 3 days over the course of 8 months. Not really much she could base an honest review on. At least I wasn't the only one affected by this - but it's still random, and quite par for the course with this company. I'm surprised that I still keep perspective after nearly 3 years. Some days I just feel numbed by everything. "It is what it is" has become the unofficial company motto - a perfect example of both the resignation felt by so many and the sad truth. Change comes painfully slow around here, and as one of my four previous bosses liked to say "It's like turning the Titanic".

40 days and counting

So here's the lowdown - I'm 33, married, with a 3 yo daughter (aka the Girl or Peaches). My husband Matt is a full-time student, and I work. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to start a blog, but it's a crazy time right now, and maybe this will help me to work through some stuff... so here we go.

We're at 40 days and counting. 40 days until graduation - and the start of phase II of the 12 year plan. Why the 12 year plan? Because that's how long it will take for Matt to complete his undergrad degree, finish Medical School, complete a Residency, and start his practice. 12 years isn't terribly long - but I also never expected to be 33 and still in the early part of the plan. So much for living an idealized version of life. Sure, the American Dream would have been sweet, but I wouldn't trade a second of that for less time with my daughter, or for how much I value Matt and our life together. It's a struggle, but we're in it together, and that's what counts in the end. We've had a ton of issues, but through it all, it's our unified vision of the future that keeps us together and moving forward. I am so grateful for that.

So here's the plan (such as it is). Med school starts in 2.5 months, and we still don't know where we're going. DMU has a spot waiting for us (secured with $1K - no one said it would be free), but he's on the wait list for UVM. At first, I was sort of against UVM, but this was mostly due to my comfort level with DMU. We had a Plan, I had made my peace with it, and was all set mentally. Now that UVM is a realistic possibility, I've had to re-think the Plan, and wrap my head around the options. I think UVM would be awesome for us - certainly for Matt's career - but am unsettled that it may be months until we get a final word from them. It's not that my heart is set on going there - it's the NOT knowing that is driving me nuts.

I'm not helping the situation either. We're supposed to be getting the house ready to sell, but have been dragging on that. Maybe it's a passive-aggresive thing, maybe it's self-sabotaging, but I can't seem to get motivated to finish all the little stuff that needs to be done to put the house on the market. If I take a hard look at it, it's not that much stuff. But by the time I get to the weekend, I'm tired, I want to relax with the Girl, and I don't want to scrub the house down so strangers can tromp through it and nit pick all the quirks that come with living in a 90 year old house.

Here's a special little Life bonus too - we've just started trying for another Bambino, and I've stopped ovulating. I wait for 3 + years and I stop ovulating NOW? WHAT is going on? I wanted to cry when the doctor matter-of-factly told me that's what's up. So now I'm on BC pills to kick start the old bod, and next step is go on on Clomid when Aunt Flo comes to visit again. I got knocked up twice in a row with no problems, and this is what I get after being practical and waiting until we were really 'ready' for another? What the !#^#^%&*&^???? I'm not sure what the universe is trying to tell me, but I hope it reveals itself soon.