1 Year

It's been a year since I lost my job.

Scratch that.  I hate that phrase: "Lost my job".  It implies that you, the employee, got lost in the woods, or you allowed your job to scamper off while your back was turned.

My job was forcibly removed from my possession.

And I am better for it.

A year ago I was terrified.

I half-convinced myself we would descend into financial ruin.

We didn't.

I was sure someone in our family would become deathly ill.

All are healthy.

I thought we'd have to go back to apartment living.

We're still here.

In the days that followed the end of my career I shed a few tears, ate some ice cream, took long walks.  I've worked since I was 15 years old, and the longest amount of time I ever took off was the 7 months after I had Big Sis.  I always had a plan, but now I didn't know what to do next.

After I had examined my fears and boxed them up, I started to relax just a little.  My shoulders started to descend from my ears and the lines between my brows smoothed away.

I began to create a new day-to-day life for myself.

One where I could focus on my children, my husband, and our household.  Where the mundane chores of motherhood became the rhythm of my days, and I looked forward to it.

I don't miss my "job" at all.  I don't miss feeling unappreciated, overlooked, and frustrated.  A paycheck may be an employee's 'reward' for work, but for me the psychic toll of anger and frustration created a deficit that no amount of money could soothe.

Every day is not filled with sunshine and rainbows, and I don't whistle while I work.  But I am so much more appreciative of what I have, take so much more joy in my family, and am comforted by the perspective that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I may have lost my job, but I've started to find myself.    

A new day

Note: I am considering changing the names in this blog to protect the innocent. Any thoughts on that?? (and it's Ok if you just want to tell me I'm an idiot for not doing it sooner).

Matt was home for much of the day, as he didn't have to work until 7 pm tonight (Nobody get excited - he works at the school library. It's our way of offsetting the $32,000 a year we pay in tuition). I had a busy morning with BBC, a con call and general screwing off. We went out for lunch, then to Costco to buy new tires (seriously, how much more boring could we possibly be??), then filled the afternoon with a nap. I am so boring I think I am putting myself to sleep. Again.

During lunch we talked about my blog. He is of the opinion that I have lost my 'voice'. I agree with him. I started the blog as sort of online diary, with the secret hope that people would find it & think I am brilliant, witty, and should be published. While I am none of those things, I still enjoy blogging but sometimes it is work and I think it comes across that way. I am trying too hard, I am throwing too much random stuff out there, and I am not pleased with the result. So I am here to apologize, and to tell you (both my blog readers) that I am going to back off a bit and try to refocus myself.

I haven't been very good to myself lately, and it shows. With Matt working late shifts, I tend to put the kids to bed and surf the internet until he comes home at midnight. Then we chat and watch TV until I finally give in and go to bed - around 1am. As Big J gets up 2 more times before his early morning wake up, I have been even more sleep-deprived than usual. Resulting in a cranky, extra-slow functioning Mommy. I have also been giving in to my chocolate cravings, padding into the kitchen and sneaking a handful or two of chocolate chips out of the giant bag from Costco. Then I feel guilty about working hard to eat well during the day, and spoiling it at night with chocolate gluttony. Shame on me. As of tonight I am going to turn things around - bed no later than 11pm, and work to stave off the chocolate cravings (or at least dipping in to the bag of choco chips). Tomorrow I'm buying a box of sugar free fudge pops.

To top it all off, work has been emotionally chaotic. Big Boss is out the door on July 23. I knew she wouldn't last more than 2 years, and I say GOOD RIDDANCE to her. I've never met a woman who is so abrasive and belittling of those around her. We have had 2 more people quit in the last month. I also found out that someone else is being forced out within the next 2 weeks, and I am really uncomfortable with all these changes. While my situation is still working well for me, all these personnel changes are messing with my head. The company has always been unstable when it comes to human resources, but in the last 12 months we have had so many people quit and NO REPLACEMENTS. We're a small organization in the U.S., and to have 9 people leave in the last 6 months is a lot. Only one of those positions has been filled - and by someone who is a corporate spy from HK. So forgive me if I moan about how much I dislike my job. The job itself isn't so bad. It's the dismal atmosphere and lack of both leadership and transparency within the business. I continue to be told that I shouldn't consider this to be a long term position, but frankly I'm in until they ask me to leave. And then I'm collecting every dollar of unemployment coming to me.

DONE

I just finished my project,and I am both relieved and exhausted. Not to bore you, but....I essentially re-wrote the company's yearly marketing plan in 4 days. It should have taken me a minimum of 2 weeks to do this, but I had 4 days. It turned into a 50 page PowerPoint complete with financial breakdown by product, etc. etc. etc. Yay for me. I shouldn't complain about the work, as generally it's not too stressful. But I felt incredibly guilty when I was done because Justin seemed so excited to have me cuddle and play with him for a while (he must have been staying up for me, as he didn't fall asleep until 10:30!).

I think I must be delirious from the stress of the week, because Matt and I have been talking about getting a mini van. I never thought I would be That Mom. But after taking the drive to Chicago in the confines of the Jetta, I think it's time. We've even gone so far as to talk to the bank about financing. I'm partial to the Odyssey or the Sienna, but am still not 100% on taking the plunge. As my cousin Stephanie said (in reference to driving her own recently acquired Sienna) "I feel like such an old bag driving it". I guess it's all in my mind. Right? Maybe if I go for this, I won't feel so inadequate:

And so it goes....

Just when things seem to be moving forward again, I get smacked upside the head. On Friday, my boss essentially told me that they're going to let me go. Didn't say when of course, but gave me the clear heads-up that I should be making a plan and looking for another job. That's always great to hear - "we think you're doing a great job, but we just don't see this as a long term solution". I had a feeling this was coming at some point, but things were going so well over the last few months that I allowed myself to be lulled into complacency. I also tried not to dwell on this possibility, as I assumed I was safe until I come back from maternity leave. I believe that's still the case, but now the axe is going to be hanging over my head the entire time. Thanks Boss!

We also finally received the repair addendum from the Home Inspection on the Salem house, and it was ridiculous. She wants $10,000 in repairs done or she's withdrawing. We were both livid, and told the Realtors that we weren't fixing a darn thing. We already made a huge concession on the price, and although we were willing to be reasonable, she obviously is looking to take advantage of us. Again, another huge blow, as were so excited to be out from under the burden of the mortgage. So, essentially we're back to square one on the house.

I have to believe that this is all part of a divine plan of some sort, but I am growing exhausted from the stress of everything at once. There must be a lesson that I still need to learn, but I'm no longer sure what that could be.

In other news - I am almost done with the basket liners for the changing table & then just need to bang out the blanket and diaper cloths for Sally. After that, I think I will retire the machine for a bit & focus on the new bambino. The new machine is SO GREAT, and it's made quick work of these projects. I'm really enjoying my bout of craftiness, and will post pictures as soon as I'm done.

Rant

I am hating my job right now. I don't really want to blog about work, so I'm going to keep it generic. I thought that working from home would give me some distance and perspective. Instead, it's put my natural paranoia into overdrive. I haven't heard from the boss in days, I feel disconnected, I STILL don't know what they're going to do about my health insurance when I shift to part-time, and I'm afraid of being canned. Although being canned would mean I wouldn't have to worry about child care in September, it would also mean that I'd lose my insurance, and that's not part of the plan right now. I've always been worried about not having health insurance, but now that I'm knocked up again, I feel like it's mandatory. Sure women have had babies without it, but I really don't want to be $10,000 in debt for having a child.

Should I look for another job? Who would hire a visibly pregnant woman? Even if I found another job right away, I wouldn't be there long enough to qualify for FMLA, so I'd lose that job too. Should I just wait it out until something happens? Work doesn't know I'm preggers yet - should I tell them sooner rather than later & hope it helps me keep my job?

What do I do?

And PS - Jake Gyllenhall is GAY? Dang it, I never saw that one coming. I would have thought Peter Parker would come out of the closet before Jakey boy (then again, I still haven't seen Brokeback Mountain). What is the world coming to?

My car blew up today

OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But it did crap out on me on the way to a meeting this morning. Thank goodness Aaron was with me and could use his AAA coverage even as a passenger. We had it towed, and $500 later it should be good for another 50,000 miles! Yay? In a way it validated my suspicion that this was only a matter of time coming. She's got 219,000 miles on her. And Matt hasn't been interested in doing any maintenance work on her. Serves me right.

I was getting a little excited about buying a newer car - until I thought about the payments. Then I just felt sick. She'll last us until we can get settled somewhere this summer, and we get things figured out with work and money. I am grateful for that. Now I can go back to focusing my anxiety on whether or not I'll have a job after August.

Day 31

As much fun as blogging is, sometimes it's hard to find the time. This was both the world's longest week & a quick one. TGIF for sure. I didn't sleep enough all week, so I've been grumpy, and had an awesome eye twitch. No, I'm not totally demented - the eye twitch is actually caused by a lack of sleep. Matt wanted to talk each night, and as much as I like to listen to him babble in bed, when he's awake he keeps me up. Then Peaches had to come in each night and tell me when she had to go potty. Good information, but not well received at 3am.

Needless to say, my Starbucks addiction was in full swing, and I don't know if I could have made it until noon each day without a Latte. What did we do before Starbucks sprang up on every corner? I have a feeling this is prevalent in the Northwest and big cities only. Louisiana had hardly any, and I teared up a little each time I spotted one. It was like seeing an old friend after years of not talking. If we end up in Vermont, I guess I'll have to get used to Dunkin' Donuts. Des Moines has a few Starbucks, but not the every-2-miles-spread that I am used to.

Interesting news today - not news really, not yet, but one more thing to be worried about. My thyroid antibody is through the roof. I guess I'll see a specialist next week (appointment TBD), but in the meantime, it explains a lot - the lack of menstruation, fatigue, feeling of cold, depression, volatility, weight gain, lack of libido, mental sluggishness. No wonder I've been feeling like such a b **ch this week. Of course, if that's not what it is, I'm back to feeling like I am losing my mind ever so slightly each day.

Horrible Day & A New Beginning

Yesterday was just not my day. I woke up feeling negative, and made poor choices all day. I was unmotivated at work, and slogged through my day - with twice as many surfing breaks as I usually take. Not sure what was wrong. My pants were tight - that never makes for a fantastic day. I feel like I've gained 5 pounds this week, and really haven't been eating much differently than I usually do. I blame the birth control pills. I haven't taken them in years, and now that I'm back on to force my period, I feel topsy-turvy.

I was super-emotional, too. Like I wanted to burst into tears all day. It wasn't much better by the time I got home, either. I've been looking for a new car (since my current one has oil in the sparkplugs - not a good sign of aging), and I was disappointed when the person told me they were "holding" it for someone in Seattle. I guess they didn't want to sell it all that badly. It really bummed me out. I want a Subaru Forester, but now's really not the ideal time. Until we sell the house & figure out if I'll be able to keep my job, I shouldn't be making any large purchases. I'm nervous about the Civic, though. Every weird smell or sound makes me think that an engine fire is just a few short miles away. I don't think I can handle that much anxiety when I drive 80 miles each day. I probably like the idea of a new car more than actually getting one. I've had the Civic for 9 years & am attached to her. She's been awesome - still gets 35+ MPG!

I did drag my butt to the gym at 9pm. Amazing how 45 minutes of sweat can make it all seem a little better. And when I got home, I applied for a job at UVM. We may not know if we're going there yet, but I may as well hedge my bets on moving there, and on keeping my job. Wish me luck.

Today I'm focused on finishing the bathroom. I've dragged my butt for 6 weeks, so it's about time. I'm stripping the last bits of wallpaper, then going to prime & paint the tub alcove, and caulk the tile edges. After that, I'll probably paint the ceiling tomorrow! I'm stoked to get it done. I've gotta ride the wave of motivation while I'm still feeling it.

Day 39

Today I was informed that the 'big boss' has lost her laptop, meaning that all her info is gone - including my yearly review. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter all that much - I already received my raise. Plus, she worked with with me for a grand total of about 3 days over the course of 8 months. Not really much she could base an honest review on. At least I wasn't the only one affected by this - but it's still random, and quite par for the course with this company. I'm surprised that I still keep perspective after nearly 3 years. Some days I just feel numbed by everything. "It is what it is" has become the unofficial company motto - a perfect example of both the resignation felt by so many and the sad truth. Change comes painfully slow around here, and as one of my four previous bosses liked to say "It's like turning the Titanic".