Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The No-Sleep Chronicles or How to Get Your Baby to Sleep in His Crib in Only 21 Easy Steps

1. Keep reading The Baby Whisperer. Wonder if you are a bad parent, stupid, or just have a difficult baby. Decide on none of the above. Decide to try some of book's suggestions.
2. 6pm: Feed Baby
3. 7:30pm: Ignore book's suggestion to create a consistent nightly ritual. Too tired to bathe him every night. Dress Baby in PJ's. Worry that Baby will get confused by not having a bath every night. Decide Baby is a Genius, and will know he is not dirty enough to need bath every night. Pat self on back for having Genius Baby.
4. 7:35pm: Let Baby play in Jumper.
5. 7:45pm: Feed Baby again.
5. 8:00pm: Note that Baby is tired. Take Baby into bedroom to try and get Baby to sleep. Baby no longer acts tired & end up talking, singing, and tickling Baby for half an hour.
6. 8:30pm: Baby acting tired again. Hold, pat and stroke Baby's head until he is dozy. Place Baby in crib with paci in mouth. Pat self on back for putting Baby to bed so easily. Wonder how long it will last.
7. 9:00pm: Hear Baby cry. Go to crib, replace paci. Sneak out.
8. 9:05pm: Hear Baby cry. Go to crib, replace paci, stroke Baby's head to soothe. Sneak out.
9. 9:15pm: Hear Baby cry. Replace paci, stroke head, pat chest, tuck in blanket. Sneak out.
10. 9:23pm: Hear Baby cry. Replace paci, sneak out.
11. 10:45pm: Baby is quiet. Wonder if Baby is still breathing. Sneak into room, check Baby. All OK.
12. 10:50pm: Argue with Husband about how to sleep train Baby. Decide to no longer feed Baby in bed. Feel sad, but want to sleep so desperately am ready to wear noise-cancelling headphones to bed.
13. 11:30pm: End argument with Husband. Baby wakes up. Bring Baby to sofa to feed in the dark, in hopes that he will sleep for at least 5 more hours.
14. 12:00am: Place Baby in crib. Parents in bed.
15. 1:30am: Husband wakes & sits up in bed, listening for Baby breathing. Hear nothing. Panic and leap out of bed to crib. Place hand on Baby. Baby is breathing, and is now pissed I woke him up. Paci in mouth, pat, stroke head, soothe Baby back to sleep. Breathe sigh of relief.
16. 2:30am: Hear Baby wake and fuss. Poke husband to get up and soothe him. Poke husband again. Poke husband again. Husband pokes back. Get up and soothe Baby.
17. 3:00am: Hear Baby wake & fuss. Start to get out of bed to soothe him. Husband tries to pull me back. Want to punch Husband in face; soothe Baby instead.
18. 4:00am: Baby wakes & is hungry. Take Baby to sofa to eat. Baby falls asleep after 10 minutes. Take Baby back to crib. Baby wakes up, gets mad. Bring Baby to bed.
19. 5:45am: Baby wakes & is hungry again. Wonder if Baby is part Giant. Wonder what grocery bill will be when Baby is 14. Am glad husband will be doctor, as am sure we will need to invest in our own Costco franchise in order to keep Baby's tummy full. Bring Baby to sofa to eat.
20. 6:00am: Place Baby back in crib. Baby coos and gurgles to himself. Think Baby is most adorable, handsome Baby in town. But still wish Baby would sleep more than 3 hours in a row so nervous breakdown doesn't occur.
21. 6:30am: Put Baby in jumper. Baby falls asleep with toy in mouth after 10 minutes. Cute Baby! Sleepy Baby! Tired Mommy!


Ashley said...

Amy, you are hilarious! I'm glad you have a Genius baby, even if the sleep thing is tricky!!

And oh how i Love stargazer lillies. I can smell them from a mile away...I love them!

Hi, I'm Robyn! said...

I was cracking up this entire post! I felt like a fly on your wall!